not what i expected

I'm slowly coming to the realisation that many things about this wedding have turned out to be different from what I expected. Sometimes completely so. This isn't bad. But it is occassionally surprising.

Viz:

Vision 1: the presence of a veil. I had been staunchly anti-veil. I was going to wear my hear down, possibly with a little flower in it, all hippy, like.

The reality: I tried on a veil in a shop. Well, I say tried on - I was holding up a dress and it was stuck in the back of my hair, which was up, (see vision 2) by a third party when I wasn't looking. I had to admit it looked pretty nice.

Vision 2: I would have my hair down, like some sort of Grecian goddess, to go with my flowing dress.

The reality: I remembered that we are getting married on top of a hill and did start to have some minor concerns about wind levels and dishevellment. Then I was in a shop and trying on a dress almost-the-particular-style-which-I-ultimiately-decided-to-go-for (oh the secretiveness - more to come on this) and it was suggested that I put my hair up. I had to admit it loked pretty nice...

Vision 3: I would wear a flowing dress, maybe made entirely of tulle. It would have a simple empire line, perhaps. It might have even been this absolute beauty.

The reality: Though I didn't try on the dress in the link, I did discover that on the whole, flowing dresses are not made for pear shapes. The lack of boob coupled with the childbearing hips means there is a distinct air of pregnancy about a flowing gown on a pear. I might want a hippy vibe but having bust my ass losing weight for more than a year, I don't want to look up the duff down the aisle. Also, the last thing I need is added volume around the arse area. Not when there will be photos from that angle.

Vision 4: Shoes at £50 or less
The reality: I can't find any. Apart from a sage green pear that I sort of like (and bought anyway). The cheap options are massive stilletos which I love but cannot stand up in. Also I have terrifying visions of blisters. I'm going for a pair of Rachel Simpson's. Not too expensive, effing gorgeous and a wide range of wearable-height heels. Goddamnit I won a dress! So I can spend a bit more on shoes. We're not talking several hundred, or even several thousand here. Just eminently reasonable, beautiful (yes, actively beautiful, rather than the fugly diamante/cheap satin vibe that so many 'wedding shoes' apparently insist on).

OK, there are loads more. The biggest one is the style of dress which for obvious reasons, I can't spill here. Suffice to say that the amazing House of Mooshki has been briefed and it's not a flowing empire line Grecian jobby. But I do love it.

Vision 5: I'd never find 'my dress'. I'd just have a dress I liked.

The reality: Well, I won a dress, as you might know. But I still didn't know what I wanted. Thankfully, they did. And so now I do. I have 'a dress'. My brain has picked it and I feel I had little part in it.

It's barely even a conscious thing - from a small handful of 'variations' drawings from Mooshki, my subconscious brain made up its own mind. I looked at the dresses at 1am, when the email pinged to my phone. By the time I woke up, every time I thought of what I might wear, I thought of just one of them. Which surprises me in the best way. I never thought I would get even a little bit excited about the dress, and so it's a very pleasant surprise to find I have. And I am so grateful that Mooshki has given me the chance to.

dress shopping - round two

The second dress shopping experience last week could not have been less like the first. Obviously there were some similarities - I stood around in my pants quite a bit and I tried on some big white things and ended up surprisingly tired - but really, that was is.

I went to two FANTASTIC shops in London - please forgive me if I don't post names here but I am suffering with a great deal of guilt about how amazingly helpful they were given I am not going to be buying a dress. I had to go shopping - I had no choice, but I don't need to rub it in anyone's face.

The customer service was absolutely second to none and I will hopefully be assuaging some guilt by returning to both for accessories and by recommending them to you good people. DM me on Twitter or email me if you want the info.

I will write a post listing their names in a few weeks/months, when any soreness they may feel if they see their names up here now may have subsided.

I had expected less from London shops - my first bad experience and testimonies from friends had told me that shops oop north were friendlier and shops in London were hoity toity, pushy and unhelpful. I could not have been more wrong. The shops up north were perfunctory and pedestrian. The shops in London put a lot more effort in and tried a lot harder - accessorising dresses that I had initially dismissed in a way that made me utterly rethink my choices.

It's dangerous to generalise about a region being this way or that, but we mentioned this disparity in one of the shops and it led to a discussion about how you can't get away with crap service in London. Look at the plethora of amazing cheap restaurants - competition means you have to be good. Anyway, this is a sideline.

What made it so different was two things: the different standard of dresses and the different standard of service. I was helped in and out of dresses a lot more (I was even offered bridal underwear to try dresses on with in one shop) and properly dressed. Despite my fears about being seen in my pants, this 'dressing' was a very good thing. A good dress shop will make judicious use of ribbons, pins and side panels to make a dress that is two or three sizes too small look beautiful - and look like it fits. They will also show you how the dress will look finished - add ribbons, flowers, straps, suggest you put your hair up and then pin a veil on - in a way that made this more of an experience. I stood on a box and was coo-ed over. It was quite nice to feel nice in the dresses.

Up north, I was left to my own devices. Here I was properly attended to. It made something I was wary about into actually, dare I say, a really pleasurable day.

So if you want some straight up advice about buying dresses then here are my TOP TIPS, kids.

1. Do not plan to visit too many shops in one day. I did two on each day - four shops in total. If you know they have dresses you like then this is more than enough. I was so shattered after each day (you spend the whole thing standing up) that two is more than enough. Plan a nice lunch inbetween.

2. Do not take too many people with you. Two is optimum and make sure they are honest. Also, if everyone brought five people then the shops would not be a nice quiet reflective place. They would be a zoo.

3. Listen to the ladies in the shop. If they are good, they will tell you what to try on and what to avoid. You will probably, if you're like me, ignore them and want to try on some things that are wrong anyway. Then you will learn that they are right.

4. That said, do try on some different things. Some shops will keep giving you strapless meringue after strapless meringue. Look for different styles.

5. Nice underwear. Seam free white pants, sturdy white bra with removable straps.

6. Try to go on a weekday for at least one of the trips. You will get a quieter shop with much better service and it feels a bit more of an event. I enjoyed this feeling more than I expected to.

7. Squat. When you put on a dress and you think you like it, try having a little squat or sit down (there probably won't be a chair, so squat). Can you breathe? Do you feel a bit sick? If you think this is 'the one' - then try to keep the dress on for a few minutes and move around in it; don't just stand there gazing at yourself. You will have to wear this thing for many hours. If you're hitching it up and sweating after 10 minutes then maybe rethink.

8. Do not do what I did and leave it until the last minute. Go sooner rather than later. You can always go again. It focuses your mind somewhat. Even if you think you can't go because you're a size 18 or 16 (as I did) - ignore the little doubting voice in your mind. There are shops that will stock dresses for you. Find them and go.

how to buy a wedding dress

The first round of dress shopping was last weekend and it wasn't like I had expected at all.

I don't think it makes a difference that I'm not buying a dress, but that I won one and am having one made. I would still be doing this, round about now, either way.

But it was an odd experience, no doubt about it. What I wish I'd known was how much easier it would have been if I was even one dress size smaller - a 14, even. I'm a 16 at the moment and most sample dresses are in a 10/12. I had expected more of a range of sizes - up to the odd 16 at least, and while you can squeeze yourself into a 14/12 and leave it open at the back, it's not a great indication of how something will look. There were racks of things in 8s and 10s that were totally out of bounds to me, that i couldn't even try on. I know small stores can't stock multiple sizes but really, to have two thirds of a shop in one or two tiny sizes is sad.

I was glad a bought a sturdy bra with removable straps the day before, as lots of dresses were pinned to it, gaping open at the back. My underwear was less visible than I'd been concerned about - I think the bosomy middle aged shop assistants saw it but no one else. You get yourself into most of the dresses (though some were so huge I almost had to ask for help a few times) and then you're shoved in/zipped up from the back.

I liked some of the Jenny Packham dresses, which were beautiful. But honestly, I was happiest in Monsoon, where the dresses fitted and flattered and I felt quite pretty.

I am so glad I'm having a dress made. But another shopping trip in a couple of weeks to get through first.

an update for you

So I realise I haven't talked about the practical stuff for a while. It might be useful for some of you, or just good form to let you know how everything is going.

We have got a date booked in to taste cake. I'll be putting all the suppliers up here after the wedding (gotta keep up that anonymity) but suffice to say I am damned excited about this and have to choose flavours today. We’re thinking carrot cake, some sort of apple cake and the third layer either fruit or a wildcard.

I have got some dates in to go and try on wedding dresses, which I need to do so I know what to tell Mooshki when I see them in the summer. One day is in London, and with the ma and ma in law, and the second is in my hometown with my ma and sister in law. I will emerge the other side with a fully formed idea of what the hell I’m going to wear and hopefully without a stress-related migrane.

Invitations are underway. We are going to Hobbycraft to buy card for invitations and then all we have to do is design the RSVP card and info sheet, print the invitations, glue the shit out of them, write them all, put them all in envelopes, put stamps on the RSVP cards, write the envelopes (getting all the addresses first, of course). And then set up a spreadsheet so we can see who replied. No sweat.

These have been a bigger ballache than they should have been in all honesty, because like all good DIY brides, I looked to Martha and bought a paper punch. Then I got the printers to print samples. But they only have 100gsm paper or 300gsm card. Martha’s wonderpunch can only cope with about 210gsm. But the reply postcard will need to be 300gsm or it won’t survive the post. So I need matching card in both weights, plus some nice transparent vellum for the info sheet to give to the printers. They can’t order it themselves because the minimum trade order is £90. I don’t need that much card.

So when I say ‘invitations are underway’ – I mean purely in my head or a theoretical sense.

Oh, and I bought envelopes, so in fact, some small part of the invitations now actually exists.

Operation jam and chutney is also well underway. This is where my mum and mum in law and maybe also me if necessary (but these women are jam and chutney MACHINES so this may not be necessary) make a pot of jam or chutney for every adult present. We tie their names onto them and they are sort of favours too. This is 85-90 jars, but I think my mum is already well past 20 (piccalilli, marmalade and whiskey marmalade) and J’s mum normally has about 150 jars of various allotment specials in her pantry. I’m sure this is an indie wedding cliché now but you may guess that I couldn’t give a toss. I love chutney and jam and why not work with your strengths? Or in my case, the maternal strengths.

My mum is also going massive on the bunting. She's made about 150 flags so far and is ordering industrial rolls of tape from eBay to string it along.

The venue is booked, the hair and makeup person is booked, the band is booked and the florist is booked. The venue does the food, so that’s all good. I’ve got the corkage costs secured and a wine merchant who will deliver. The venue and food are two thirds paid for and a wedding website with info is about 80 per cent done.

The honeymoon is probably about half booked (still missing many crucial details, like how we get there and some nights where we have no roof over our head. This weekend should sort them.) The register office is booked (after much begging). And as you all know, we have sorted out the photographer.

Oh, and even though I know nothing about it, I am having a hen do in a couple of months’ time. I won’t know anything about it either, until the time I turn up.

What does that leave?

Rings
Actual dress and little white dress for register office
Going to the town hall to declare our intention to marry
Shoes
Suit for man/maybe also best man
Honeymoon account
Write ceremony and vows
Dress shopping with best ladies
Seating plan
Erm...
Erm...
Erm...

I must have missed stuff. What have I forgotten?

dress shopping

Even though I was lucky enough to win my wedding dress, I must be one of the only engaged ladies in the world who hasn't at least tried one of the blooming things on. Ever. And because I'll need to know what to ask for from the lovely people who will make it, I'm definitely going to have to go dress shopping.

Except I think there must be something wrong with me. After a bad first experience in a dress shop, I thought I'd got over it - I would only go to nice shops. But visiting two of these stores with their kind and helpful staff the other day - and not even trying on a dress - brought me out in an almost physical panic.

So last weekend, I took the first steps down the road of mental preparation for dress shopping. I booked some appointments at a couple of shops for a few weeks' time and then, with my Mum, went into a couple of different shops to browse.

The second I walked in to shop number one, I had an unpleasant feeling in the pit of my stomach, It was as if I was about to go on stage, aged seven, for my debut as a snowflake in the school play. It was so close to excitement - those lovely butterflies - but it wasn't nice.

The place was a bunfight - people were hauling dresses from racks, cramming themselves into unforgiving gold satin bridesmaid frocks and cooing, all of them cooing. In the whole shop, there might have been two dresses that I could have envisaged myself wearing - the rest just made me feel odd, a little bit sweaty and shaky. I felt slightly queasy.

In the second store, the room had four special corners, like stages, where brides could stand in their large white confections and stare at themselves in a dozen angled mirrors simultaneously. One girl was standing there, on the verge of tears, surrounded by middle-aged relatives who were all asking again and again, "Is this the one, d'y'think? Is it? Is this the one?' She just kept dumbly nodding and squeaking.

I left feeling wobbly. I've got to deal with the fact that there is a day booked soon when I will be the one in the dress. I really want that day to be fun. I really need to get over this.

christ on a bike

this is BLOODY LOVELY and BLOODY CHEAP

Good old John Lewis! £250 and so pretty.