sad

So the wedding was amazing. Incredible. So full of love, just...amazing.

But then I had to do something that made me sad. Even as I was doing it, it made me sad. And it made J sad, which made me sadder.

I looked at the first photos of the wedding, just a couple of days later. My first thought was: "wow, those flowers are great." My second thought, almost concurrent with the first was: "I'm not thin enough". I hated myself for thinking it. But I couldn't stop. I'd wanted to look thin, willowy. I'd wanted to look like someone J could pick up and spin around. I'd wanted to look like this:

(picture of the Sarah Seven dress I originally fell in love with, from here)

It's not like I didn't know what size I was before the wedding. But I'd just thought: "There's nothing I can do about this. Push it out of your mind." And I did.

I said this to J and he was upset. He said I was the most beautiful woman in the world, and that day, he thought I looked just incredible. And he said to stop saying otherwise, because it was upsetting for him to hear it.

But it's like a scab. A horrible suppurating scab that you can't stop picking at.

Last night, I went to slimming club. I got weighed, and I hadn't gained too much on honeymoon. But I did a recap of how much I'd lost before the wedding.

In the past year, from my current weight with honeymoon gain, I've lost 6lbs. This year, after gaining 7lbs at Christmas, I lost a stone (half of it the 7lbs from Christmas) before I had to start maintaining in June. I lose slowly because I go out and see friends. I've always known why I lose slowly. But I tell myself - trying a bit harder, turning down a few drinks. I could have been half a stone lighter or more.

I was disappointed with myself. My BMI when we got married was 'obese'. I hated myself for not trying harder, for still having that appalling label attached to me, which upsets me so much. Four lbs lower and I'd have been merely 'overweight'.

I wanted the way I looked on my wedding day to be something I could own and feel proud of. To be something like the way I might look for the rest of my life. I still want that, if I can just stop thinking like this. You don't need to tell me that there are more important things in life than half a stone on your wedding day. I know. I get it. But I still felt like I'd let myself down.

J tells me that no one cares about my weight, I looked gorgeous and that's what people see. A happy, beautiful girl. He said I looked thin.

I hate myself for picking this scab and upsetting myself and J.

I wish I could say 'I looked amazing, I looked like me'. J says I looked like me. I say: "I don't know what I look like, or what I'm meant to look like. So how can I know?"

Has anyone ever said they felt truly gorgeous? Why can't I just own it? I hate myself for making us both sad over this when the wedding was pure happiness.

the weight is almost over

So, after a year and a third of dieting and losing three and a half/four stones (depending on when I count from), it's now six weeks until I get measured for my dress and have to maintain my weight until the wedding.

So it's going to be an interesting six weeks, when I absolutely hammer the exercise and, bearing in mind that I have a hen night and a wedding during this time, kick the ass of the plan as much as humanly possible.

But the fact remains - even if I lose at a stonking rate during this period - say 2-3lbs a week (and I don't lose that fast, generally) - I may look much like this when I get married. I certainly won't be the dainty sylph that I had initially thought I would be, however unlikely that might have actually been (I am not dainty ever - I doubt I magically would be at 11 stones)

If I manage to lose 2lbs a week between now and then, which is not impossible, I will have lost almost another stone and be squarely a size 14 which I know looks good on my frame. It also puts me at 'bikini point' - the time when I can wear a bikini without feeling like a large pasty Michelin (wo)man in swimwear. So I would be OK with that.

But if I lose 1lb a week between now and then - I'll look much the same - I will be a 14-16. A great improvement from the size 24 I was, no doubt. But still. I really need to come to terms with this.

diet disappointment

So, the past few weeks has been a huge disappointment on the dieting front. While since Christmas, I have lost the weight I gained over the festive period, I haven't lost much more. (I gained seven and lost 8lbs since). This week, I even gained half a lb.

Given that I have been on plan, and had thought I would lose at least another stone by now, this is not good. Hugely, hugely disppointing.

three stones

(source)

So, in the final Slimming World weigh in before Christmas, I hit a milestone. Or a mile-three-stone, as you may have guessed from the genius image above. It's funny, reading back to things like this post, when I'd just lost one stone, and thinking back to those first few weeks when I felt sure it wasn't going to work because everyone around me was losing at double the speed.

Truth be told, I'd hoped to be at four stones gone by now, but I am very happy to have hit three. I'd aimed for 1lb a week, making four stones in a year, but life does sometimes get in the way. But I lost this weight still going out for meals, still drinking, still enjoying myself, still eating bread, potatoes, rice and pasta, as well as all other foods. This now means that I've become a mad evangalist for Slimming World. Every time I hear about someone doing some daft diet I just want to shake them and tell them about doing it sensibly. But people won't believe you can do it without hardship, no matter what you tell them.

My aim is now to be 12-stones something by the time I look for a dress. That's another two stones or so off. I'm supposed to do it by March. Wish me luck...

updates

I've just realised that I left a few things hanging on this blog for a while, such as this post about my weight and going on holiday. I'm sure you're not exactly desperate to know how it turned out, but I'm going to tell you anyway...

After a three week break, I lost 1.5lbs. Which was good. And then the next week, I gained 2lbs. And then I lost 2.5. So where does that put me? I think since before leaving for holiday, I am 2lbs lighter.

I have been plateauing, and I am currently in the throes of 'upping my game' (or 'downing it'?) on the diet front. despite having been to a chocolate tasting evening last night (obligatory for work, to be fair) and having our year's anniversary of getting engaged on Saturday (which we only remembered two days ago, rather amusingly).

I'm going to start posting diet updates every week again. It's not that I had been off the plan, rather that I had been pushing it to its very limits every week - something I had got away with before, but now there's a fair whack of weight gone, it seems I can get away with no longer.

So that's the diet. I've also now got hair and make up people, and probably a baker too for the cake sorted. I'm feeling pretty ok about this now. Surely there's not much else to do (apart from rings, dress and booze, right? Or have I forgotten something else?)

And then there is this post - the one where I thought I might quit blogging because I sort of freaked out about the pressure. Which was silly, because the only pressure being applied was by myself. Would my wedding look like x ,y or z? Would I have that carefree sylph-like stylishness that seems such an essential prerequisite? Would my tables be photogenic?

Then I thought again about some of the blog weddings. There are couples, jumping, Converse trainers, stylish place settings, symbolic hearts and chalkboards and all the rest. But where are the people? Where are the dancing kids and uncles? Where is the drunk father-in-law? Conspicuously absent from the photoshoot. I'm now thinking of these as photoshoots, rather than weddings.

Our wedding will look like what it looks like. I will just buy the things I like (J will like them too, he's very relaxed) and people will eat and get drunk and if the place does not look like one hell of a party has taken place at the end of the night, I will be disappointed.

If it looks nice on photos - great. If not, then as long as it looks great in my head and my memory, and those of everyone else, I will be happy.

this could go one of two ways

So ladies (gents?), I am about to go on holiday for two weeks. This is great news, and also, slightly panic-inducing.

Not that I'm ungrateful for the wonderful holiday. But I am slightly panicking about its effect on my diet, which despite my best efforts, has seen me hover around the same 5lbs for about two months now.

I am surprised at myself for being so bothered. I am both desperate to relax, and desperate not to regain this damnable weight. I can't believe I am worried. I'm disappointed in myself for feeling this way, though will feel mighty disappointed in myself if I gain weight too.

Part of me is planning to make butter, on the basis that I can only eat what I make, and making butter involves a large physical effort, and I'll feel quite proud of myself if I manage it.

Another part of me is planning to go running and walking up massive hills, so that I can eat some cake.

I've never been this worried before. I've always just sodded it and enjoyed myself. I don't really like this at all, and I can only assume it's the natural progression of dichotomous (real word?) thoughts from the post below.

Yes, I am on a diet that allows me to eat as much as I want of most foods. I can have figs, artichokes, wild musrooms, risotto, pasta, potatoes, steak. But sadly, the list doesn't include criossants, stinky and disintegrating french cheese and red wine. Those count. I can have them, but I can't have them with abandon.

Why am I depressed about this? I don't know. I feel pathetic, but may actually cry if I gain more than a couple of lbs.

some things i've learned

Some things I've learned about dieting:

(image from here)

- it's not that hard. You can do it, you just need to follow a few rules.
- it's damned hard. You have to follow the rules for a long time. I will probably have to sort of follow them forever.

- it's not just about food. There are bigger things in your life and you can appreciate them more once you've broken down that relationship a little bit.
- sometimes it's about a lot more than food. That cheesecake my friend baked to celebrate buying his first flat? Yeah. I'm going to eat the piece he cut for me. Who wants to be that girl, the one who turns down a small gift, a celebration. Food has meaning greater than satiation. But not all the time.

- some things can be turned down easily. It's just about saying "no".
- life is not about saying "no". It's about saying "yes", and living, and enjoying yourself. You need to go out to dinner.

- you can speed up your weigh loss by eating more fruit and vegetables
- in order to speed up your weightloss, you HAVE to eat more vegetables. And no, you can't put butter on them.

(edit - i thought of another one:
- small things don't matter. This bit of salad dressing/bit of x, y, z won't hurt.
- all the small things together? Yes, they matter. They are all that matters.)

Life is not just about looking a certain way. But it makes a lot of things in life easier (climbing stairs, shopping for clothes without crying) if you err towards the regular sized end of the spectrum. I'm all for being happy whatever size you are. But I wasn't.

Everyone, I would suggest without exception, is too hard on themselves the majority of the time. I would like to find whoever came up with the idea that you can have 'fat ankles' and give them a smack. They are ANKLES. They perform a useful perambulatory function and hold your feet onto your legs.

Life is full of dichotomies. You want one thing, but you know you should do another. Self acceptance versus empowerment and change. Diet Coke versus wine. Short-term enjoyment versus long-term satisfaction. The fact that I've always loved my body and been grateful for all of it versus the fact that I have still cried in changing rooms. How do you square that?

Anyway. Sometimes there isn't much coherence to things and that applies to writing blogs too. Random thoughts today.

PS All of this makes me glad that I found the best damn blog in the world. Eat the Damn Cake by blogger Kate Fridkis makes me overwhelmingly happy. When I see a new post appear in my reader, I save it up for later, for time when I've got a cup of tea and can fully digest and appreciate her words of wisdom and joy. Kate writes about how she never understood why anyone should feel unattractive, while understanding that we do, and we're human. And she advocates remembering that sometimes (all of the time?) you should just eat that slice of cake and be happy. A message we can all get behind, I think.

a traitor to the cause?

You may have noticed that there have been no diet updates for a while. This is not because I've fallen off the wagon - I definitely haven't. But because I felt like a bit of a traitor to the cause.

Non traditional wedding blog land - which I think I can safely say, is where we pretty much all live - is all about being searingly honest and practicing love and self acceptance. I keep reading blogs where people talk about how they've accepted their weight in the run up to their wedding, and blogs that make a point of celebrating deliciously curvy brides.

These are great things. I love that it's this way. Self-acceptance = effing brilliant.

But I felt like that by posting my weight loss up here, I was somehow being a bit of a traitor to all that. Shouldn't I be practicing being happy as I am?

(You should all know, by the way, that I'm talking about more than a few kilos here. I still have much weight to lose.)

I don't think it has to be this way. Self acceptance is good, but then so is self-awareness and knowing what matters to you.

We all know that weddings are a stake stuck in the ground of life: a markerpost, an important point that we want to remember. That's why we spend money on them and spend so long thinking about the ritual of it all, even if we're going against the tide. Rituals they still are.

I had decided long ago to lose some weight. I was sick of feeling like I wasn't myself, and like my body was an impediment to my life. The knowledge of the wedding added to that: the stake in the ground held a post saying: 'this is the start of a new phase in your life. How do you want it to begin?'

Yes, I'm a dieting bride-to-be. What a terrible cliche. But we're all going on, or have been on journeys here (ugh, I sound like I'm on some sort of reality TV show) and here I am, on two.

We make a big point of being accepting of curves and of people of all shapes and sizes. I certainly know I do. Happiness, not size, is what matters.

But dieting is the big shame, implying judgement of people who aren't dieting and of people who accept their shape. It's neither of these things. But considered, sensible dieting - a change in the shape you accept - should be as celebrated and accepted as any blog post on why you love yourself, and everyone else, just as they/you are.

I love that I'm losing weight.

(For those of you wondering: just over two stones (12.7kg) lost, four or five (25-31kg) more to go)

one and a half

So last night at slimming club, I lost 1.5lbs. This also meant that I got my 1.5 stone award, hooray!

Let's break those figures down shall we...

That's something like a quarter of the way there. Or at least, a quarter of the way to the point where I've told myself I can start looking at dresses.

That's 21.5lbs lost (I'm half a lb into the next half a stone)

In 3.5lbs I will have lost 10 per cent of my starting body weight.

And in kilos, I've lost 9.75.

I know I've still got a long way to go, but this is pretty cheering.

dieting

Grr. The past two weeks have been slooow on the diet. I've just lost half a pound each week, which, while of course two tiny steps in the right direction, is frustratingly slow. A fortnight ago, I was 2lbs off having lost a stone and a half. I though I'd crack it in a week. Now I am still 1lb off it, goddamnit. I should be past there by now.

You know I'm doing Slimming World, and it really is the best diet (they say it's not a diet, it's a way of eating, but it gets a bit tiresome saying that all the time though it is true), and on their website, there's a place to fill in your weight loss every week. This generates a graph which shows you when you might expect to reach certain targets (and your main target weight). Two weeks ago, mine had me at target in March next year. Now it says November: AFTER the wedding.

I know the graph fluctuates all the time but I am feeling very frustrated right now. Planning on drastically upping my salad intake this week as a result. Pfft.

another two

I forgot to say: another 2lbs off this week on the diet.

Another 2lbs next week = a stone and a half. (approx a quarter of the way there).

diet update

Half a pound off on the old diet this week. Not great, but not bad. Every little helps...

two

A better week this week on the old slimming plan. Two pounds off. Slow and steady...

one down...

In the other great countdown, things are progressing apace.

I am now the proud loser of just over one official Slimming World sanctioned stone. This is good - one sixth of the way there, approximately. Thirteen weeks and 15.5 lbs.

In total, I've lost a little more than that - closer to a stone and a half - as I started dieting before I joined SW. But still.

In another stone, I'll be a third of the way there.
At three stones down, I'll be halfway.
Another stone makes it four and that's two thirds.
And when five have gone, I can start looking for wedding dresses.

Hooray!

the other countdown

I guess it's not unusual for a bride to be to want to slim down for a wedding.

But then I'm not sure if losing 7-8 stones classes as 'slimming down'. That makes it sound as if your jeans are a bit too tight or you have a slight 'upper arm' issue. Anyway, slimming down, becoming unobese; that's me: currently trying to lose something between a third and a half of my body weight.

(It feels weird talking about 'body weight'. As if it's not part of me - which I guess is how you're supposed to think about it. As not part of you - something you aren't attached to in any way. Not 'my body weight'.)

But anyway.

I don't have any problems with anyone being any size they like. But it's been a while since I liked my size.

Not that I had daily problems with it, or ever whinged to other people (other than bf, who always bore the brunt of bad changing room experiences). In fact, most of the time I thought I looked fine (a sort of reversal of those thin people always complaining that they're fat, if that doesn't sound too crazy.) I know I carry ,myself ok and still have a waist and I know that has allowed me to get away with a lot. But then, you get a spate of photographs and you can't blame it on the camera angle any more. In fact, you get pretty angry and sad and disappointed and frustrated.

It might sound strange, but it's taken me a year to reach this point. 'This point' being me, actually doing this, at a slimming club, already having lost a bit and accepting that 'this' really isn't 'curvy' any more. (I love curves, I'm definitely keeping them.)

Last year, I tried to do it on my own. I managed to lose half a stone, but needless to say, without a framework for how I should be eating, it didn't really work. It didn't stay off, though exercise helped. I did get a lot fitter: started seeing a trainer, going to pilates, swimming again. That was a good decision.

So anyway. As it sometimes seems pretty damn huge and difficult, I sometimes might talk about this here.

And really, this entire post has been a way to distract myself from the bag of sweets on the office table.