ambivalence, or something...

I've just read this post from the wonderful A Practical Wedding. Thank God for wedding bloggers, because from reading the panic-inducing You and Your Wedding et al, you'd never know that anyone else felt like this.

That's not to say that I don't like weddings, or that I'm not happy to be getting married. But that's also not to say that I wouldn't also be happy if we were still ticking along as before.

I realise this sounds confusing.

Once upone a time, I was *desperate* to get married, or at least engaged. Bf was away a lot and, unromantic as it sounds, I wished to be his next of kin; the person that mattered most. I wanted to be official, to be something other than his 'girlfriend'. After eight years, the 'girlfriend' title seemed daft.

But he wasn't up for it: "I'm sure we will one day", but "it's not like we have a house together, or have kids, or you're pregnant" (haha); "it's expensive", "other people's expectations"; etc etc. "We're happy as we are." And we were.

So I got used to it. "It's ok", I thought; "I'm a feminist and a modern girl". I'd never fantasised about how I might walk down the aisle.We could be one of those couples that just doesn't, and it's fine. In fact, that's a good stance, I could cope with it and indeed embrace it. And I did, and I was happy.

I could have asked him myself but knowing his stance, that would have been a little childish and desperate...though I did consider it...

But then he changed his mind and became the marrying sort, rather unexpectedly. The proposal was distinctly un-Richard Curtis-esque, as I freaked out and hyperventilated in a manner most unbecoming to said feminist/modern girl.

So am I happy to be getting married? Yes, I am enormously happy, though I'm still coming to terms with what it might mean to be a wife, and a 'Mrs'. It has also made every member of both of our families and all of our friends very happy indeed.

But if he hadn't asked me (or I him)?

I can't say that I'd be chasing him like a puppy for a ball, desperate for a ring. We'd be together, having the same fun we always did, and I'd be extremely happy too.

Maybe it's sacrilege to suggest that getting married hasn't made me a happier person.

It has made me all sorts of other things: closer to bf, more contented, satisfied, forward-looking and it has made many other people happy.

But I'm no happier, overall, than I was before. And I'm actually glad.

There were no holes for the wedding to plug: everything was great, and it continues to be so. I am still as happy.

how i didn't expect to feel

I really didn't think things would change much after getting engaged.

We'd done, I thought, the big discussions about how we felt way, way before bf changed his mind and decided he'd like to do this after all. We knew how we felt about each other and about all the big issues. And I had definitely sorted out how I felt about weddings and marriage (or marriage and weddings, if you will).

Funny that. I got that completely wrong. I think this isn't the first time this will happen between now and actually getting the ring #2**.

Right now, everything I read seems to contain a reflection on something important.

(**Actually, it happened when I got ring number one, but that's another post.)

the date, and first post

Things I nearly called this blog:

Not another wedding blog
The indecisive bride
Thanks for the ring but do I can't be arsed with the rest

But that was me a couple of weeks ago. I'm now slowly coming round to the idea...

And so today, it started in earnest. We possibly accidentally set a date.

Me: [Ringing venue] Hi, we're coming on Saturday for a visit. Is the snow bad out there?
Venue: Um, well, our snow plough has just broken down. It's below freezing for another week and we can't really leave.
Me: Ah. Hm... I'm a bit worried it's going to book up...
Venue: Well it is booking fast. But we can hold a date for two weeks for you for free...

And so I give them the only date I know in 2011: September 5th. Because we had a vague idea about the start of September and I'd looked it up.

I instantly felt sure I'd damned it to rain that day. Ringing bf, he falters: "It seems such a long way off." I tell him to pick another. But he suddenly seems superstitious and wavers.

We didn't change the day. We might hate the venue. But I doubt it. I sort of feel like it's somehow settled.