Wednesday, 28 September 2011


So the wedding was amazing. Incredible. So full of love, just...amazing.

But then I had to do something that made me sad. Even as I was doing it, it made me sad. And it made J sad, which made me sadder.

I looked at the first photos of the wedding, just a couple of days later. My first thought was: "wow, those flowers are great." My second thought, almost concurrent with the first was: "I'm not thin enough". I hated myself for thinking it. But I couldn't stop. I'd wanted to look thin, willowy. I'd wanted to look like someone J could pick up and spin around. I'd wanted to look like this:

(picture of the Sarah Seven dress I originally fell in love with, from here)

It's not like I didn't know what size I was before the wedding. But I'd just thought: "There's nothing I can do about this. Push it out of your mind." And I did.

I said this to J and he was upset. He said I was the most beautiful woman in the world, and that day, he thought I looked just incredible. And he said to stop saying otherwise, because it was upsetting for him to hear it.

But it's like a scab. A horrible suppurating scab that you can't stop picking at.

Last night, I went to slimming club. I got weighed, and I hadn't gained too much on honeymoon. But I did a recap of how much I'd lost before the wedding.

In the past year, from my current weight with honeymoon gain, I've lost 6lbs. This year, after gaining 7lbs at Christmas, I lost a stone (half of it the 7lbs from Christmas) before I had to start maintaining in June. I lose slowly because I go out and see friends. I've always known why I lose slowly. But I tell myself - trying a bit harder, turning down a few drinks. I could have been half a stone lighter or more.

I was disappointed with myself. My BMI when we got married was 'obese'. I hated myself for not trying harder, for still having that appalling label attached to me, which upsets me so much. Four lbs lower and I'd have been merely 'overweight'.

I wanted the way I looked on my wedding day to be something I could own and feel proud of. To be something like the way I might look for the rest of my life. I still want that, if I can just stop thinking like this. You don't need to tell me that there are more important things in life than half a stone on your wedding day. I know. I get it. But I still felt like I'd let myself down.

J tells me that no one cares about my weight, I looked gorgeous and that's what people see. A happy, beautiful girl. He said I looked thin.

I hate myself for picking this scab and upsetting myself and J.

I wish I could say 'I looked amazing, I looked like me'. J says I looked like me. I say: "I don't know what I look like, or what I'm meant to look like. So how can I know?"

Has anyone ever said they felt truly gorgeous? Why can't I just own it? I hate myself for making us both sad over this when the wedding was pure happiness.


  1. My lovely, you looked utterly amazing on your wedding day. And I've seen the before and after pics so I know how well you did to get there.

    I can't make you less sad because I felt the same. However, I have a sneaky suspicion than neither of us would ever have been happy with our wedding weight. I'd have needed several more years and possibly a gastric band to make me the size 10 bride that I was in my head - seeing the pictures that proved otherwise was a shock.

    I am hoping with all my heart that you share my experience in the next few months and that the sadness fades as you begin to see only happiness and fabulous memories when you look at your pictures.

    Much love x

  2. That is sad that you feel that way. I hope that as time passes you can look at those pictures and think "I looked like me, like me marrying the man I love" because surely that is all we should look like on our wedding days (it's what I want to look like, even if I'd rather not have my pot belly, I think if I do then I look like me).

    Having said all that it has taken me a LOT to get to this point of self acceptance. It came from getting to one of the darkest places you can get and it still wavers.

    So I hope you get it, but hope you don't have to go through that to get there.

    And I think wedding magazines sell an image we can't attain so stop torturing yourselves with the looks of brides in there. Please.


  3. I'm sorry you feel that way :(

    Probably showing my age here, but Baz Luhrmann always does it for me.

    The key line here?

    "But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself
    and recall in a way you can’t grasp now, how much possibility lay before you
    and how fabulous you really looked,"

    I don't know if this helps, but this is my experience. Not only was I well into "obese" on our wedding day (despite starting my pre-wedding diet 18 months earlier, I lost nothing), but my dress was a bit low-cut. I look at my photos and think "eep. I look a bit slutty". But as we bigger girls know, you have to celebrate a spectacular cleavage!

    I don't have spectacular cleavage any more. A little over a year later, I am just getting over a nasty bout of mastitis that became a breast abscess. The surgery to make me well again has left me with a scar the size of a 10p piece that rules out any cleavage in the future. Now I look at the pictures and think "damn, girl, you look hot!"

    We have to appreciate the beauty we have. We are beautiful. Every time a new wrinkle or lb of weight or scar appears, we have to learn to appreciate our beauty once again.

  4. Oh darling.

    You are far smaller than me but I completely get where you are coming from.

    I still don't love looking at my pictures. I'm not sure I ever will.

    The photographs are so very important but I think they are important for my future and not now.

    The feelings of the day are what I am trying to focus on. It's hard but important for me.

    All that said - you really need to know you looked gorgeous.

  5. Oh honey. When you've got it in your head that you don't like what you see then it's easy to lose control of reality.

    Just like Becca said, you will look back and the pictures in a year from now and I'm sure you will realise you looked incredible, full of life, happy and gorgeous you looked.

    Don't lose site of what's real and what you are focusing on.


  6. I'm sad to read this. But I have a suspicion that I will feel the same.

    I have found that it takes me a few years before I can look at a photo and admit that I looked quite good at the time. If I look at current photos, I get sad and avoid having any more taken of me - but I am willing to bet that in a year or two I will look back and say, "actually I was looking pretty ok there." I think it is the nature of our self-criticism. I really hope it dulls for you over time.